In December I said yes to an extra responsibility at work. I knew when I agreed to it that it was not going to help me grow. I said yes anyway.
I could do the work. That was never the question. The problem was what it took to do it. Week after week it pulled my attention off the things I actually wanted to build, and it took the energy I needed for them. I was not overwhelmed. I was stalled.
That is the part I had wrong. I thought the question was whether I could handle it. The real question is what it costs. Every yes is a no to something else, and I was handing away the hours that belonged to my own work.
When it finally ended, the relief was enormous. Months later I was still feeling it. Not relief that the work was done, relief that I could grow again.
So here is the one thing to do this week, before the next ask arrives.
What to do with it
The hardest part is not deciding. It is the wording. So here are three of my twelve scripts, word for word.
The straightforward no. When you do not want to give a reason and do not owe one.
“Thanks so much for thinking of me. I’m going to pass on this one.”
The partial yes. When you want to decline the whole ask but offer something smaller.
“I can’t take on the whole project, but I could offer a quick call to point you in the right direction.”
The repeat-ask no. When someone pushes after you have already declined once.
“I hear you, and my answer is still no. I want to be respectful of your time by being clear now.”
Pick the one you need this week. Put it in the email you have been avoiding, and send it before you read it over a fourth time.
The other nine are in Say No Scripts, free with the rest of my worksheets at laurenfine.com.
The coach's view
The first no is not where people fold. The second ask is. Decide your answer to the second ask before you send the first no, and write it down. If you have to invent it in the moment, you will cave.
Worth your time
01 · Listen
How To Say No
Hidden Brain, with Vanessa Patrick. Empowered refusal, and why “I don't” holds where “I can't” does not.
Listen to the episode02 · Read
21 Ways to Give Good No
Christine Carter, Greater Good. Twenty one usable lines, and the rules she sets in advance so the answer is already decided.
Read the article03 · Do
Write the second answer
Take the no you are planning and write the reply to the ask that comes back. One line. Keep it where you can see it.
Now tell me where you are. Just hit reply, or email me. I read every one.
